In a money saving measure, the Obama Administration announced today that they would be repealing one of the most significant bills in history involving tea.
That’s right, the Tea Importation Act of 1897, which protected the American people from buying and consuming already-infused and re-dried tea leaves, other plants’ leaves, sawdust, metal filings, etc., is now a thing of the past.
It was this historic bill that was the primary impetus towards the creation of the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA), but in a written statement released just after the repeal was made official, a spokesperson for the FDA explained, “Americans need more iron in their diet, and we found that allowing importers to once again add filings to their tea leaves will not only provide this, but also give the tea more weight.”
Since most tea is sold by the pound, this means that the price of tea is expected to rise significantly.
“We haven’t seen profit margins this good since, well… 1896,” said Harney & Sons founder John Harney, who was actually alive when the Tea Importation Act first went into effect.
And in anticipation of this historic day, we have been preparing new tea blends to ring in what forecasters are calling the “Bronze-Infused Age” of tea. Among these blends are:
The Iron Man Blend – hope they have a hospital bed ready, because you won’t be stopping any bad guys after just a few sips!
Tiger Blood Blend – Charlie Sheen inspired, this rare treat is infused with actual Snow Tiger blood – an endangered species!
and, last but not least…
the April Fool’s blend – if you haven’t caught on to the joke yet, we’re not serious!
Well, except for the part when I mentioned that the Tea Importation Act was overturned.
The government really did overturn this in 1996.